Let's give "literally" a rest. Literally.

I have a running joke with my kids, they make a joke or sarcastic comment and I interpret it in the most literal fashion to either compound or confound their joke. I then refer to myself as "Captain Literal," the construct of a lame superhero with the catch phrase, "I'm not really a Captain."

Irony, sarcasm and facetiousness being my favorite style of humor, this occasionally works for a chuckle or two. The underlying purpose is to actually apply the term "literal" correctly, and point out the absurdity of many of our comments by parsing the actual meaning of the words when they are far from their intent.

While it's a cliché to quote Webster's to make an argument, here it seems most appropriate. Literally — (according to Webster's dictionary) 1. According to the strict meaning of the words; not figuratively; as a man and his wife cannot be literally one flesh. 2. with close adherence to the words; word by word; to quote a writer literally

There is more, but I think the first two entries make their point. My ire is inflamed by the distracting use of "literally" as a point of emphasis that is apparently ignorant of any appropriate meaning. There is a DRTV spot for a draft stopper (goes at the bottom of your doors) that talks about how drafty doors "literally" cause your money to run out though the cracks. And they have a very literal bit of animation that shows dollar bills being sucked under a door... I guess this happens, people leave their money on the floor and then the draft "literally" sucks their money out into the streets. A similar ad for a local window company makes the same claim, that if you don't have their insulated windows, you're "literally" throwing money out the window.

First of all, if you're throwing money out your windows or putting it in front of doors to be sucked out, please send me your address so I can go about collecting your cash so I can literally put it in my pocket.

I've heard the same stupidity seep into broadcast news. A report on the radio mentioned a "literal mountain of paperwork" some local court had to sift through to assemble a case. Really? A mountain? I guess "mountain" is subjective, to an ant it's a mountain and to a human it's a mole hill. I guess to intellectual ants, it's a mountain.

I guess "figuratively" goes without saying. To simply say, "you're throwing money away" or "we have a mountain of paperwork" assumes the audience has an I.Q. sufficient to recognize that there is no one putting cash in the trash and that they won't be skiing inside the office any time soon. However, does it take many more I.Q. points to recognize the inappropriate use of the word "literally?"

The irony in this joke is that people use this word to sound intellectual, all the while ignoring or being completely ignorant of the true meaning of the crutch-word. And by "crutch" I was being figurative.

I suspect more than a few of us will feel convicted. I often find myself using or over-using a word or phrase with annoying frequency. I don't put myself above this problem, but "literally" has more than outlived its welcome. If you find your self about to add "literally" to an expository comment, take a deep breath (literally), then bite your tongue (figuratively).